The year is 2003. By all accounts, the Cold War is over. For those just joining us here in the 21st century: We won.

The former Soviet Union was the United States’ largest naval adversary with the cornerstone of their seafaring arsenal being a large number of nuclear submarines, each of which could easily destroy the entire east coast with a volley of sea-launched ballistic nuclear weapons. Naturally this was cause for some concern...in the 1990’s.

Yet, like the Russian space program, much of what was once a technologically advanced military force is now a footnote in the history of mutually assured destruction (MAD).

No other nation on Earth has such a fleet of killing machines - except of course for the USA. Most countries find it challenging enough to fund and support fleets of old, loud, slow, diesel-powered boats. So why does the US continue to research and deploy super powered sonar systems at a cost of billions of dollars to US taxpayers?

Whales.

What most Americans don’t realize is whales - and their dolphin cousins - are vastly more intelligent than human beings. Not only that, but the beasties are fucking huge! Just think what would happen if these gigantic, genius creatures decided that they should rule the world. We wouldn’t stand a chance. As it is, the bastards are already threatening our already depleted supply of tuna - the chicken of the sea. In a few short years we could be dealing with a worldwide tuna shortage! The thought gives me chills.

Fortunately, the Bush Administration has seen this danger on the horizon, and has vowed to protect us from these behemoths. However, because of the creature’s devious intellect, we’ve had to prepare for inevitable war with the whales in secret.

Sonar is the key. Ultra-low frequency sonar doesn’t just detect non-existent submarines deployed by non-existent geo-political adversaries; it also kills whales by the dozens! Our Navy is “testing” this new super weapon on daily basis in areas heavily populated by our mortal enemies. As a result, whales suffer crippling brain hemorrhages as their super-sensitive internal navigation systems painfully explode under the pressure of the sonic onslaught.

I for one will sleep easily tonight knowing that I won't be subjected to the brutal life of toiling in the undersea kelp farms of our would-be overlords.

Death to the whales! And god bless George W. Bush!

Labels: environmentalism, George W. Bush, military technology, Navy, Russia, technology